02-11 Welcome aboard
id you hear about an airline stewardess who turned into a prostitute?
She greeted all her customers, saying, "Welcome aboard."

02-12 Nuclear power
wo strangers were seated next to each other on the plane when the first guy turned to a beautiful blonde and made his move by saying, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly, and said to the first guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The ame stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Oh my God," said the guy. "I have no idea."
"Wel l, then," said the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
「OK、それは面白い話題かもしれませんけど、まず私の質問に答えてくれません?」とブロンドが言った。「馬と牛と鹿が草を食べました。もちろん同じ種類の草ですよ。でも鹿はコロコロの小さな糞をして、牛は平らで円盤状の糞をして、馬は乾いた干し草の固まりのような大きな糞をします。どうしてこの違いが出るのだと思います? 」

02-13 Blonde in the first class
beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy class.
She looks at the seats and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats.
Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one.
The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in the economy class.
The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem.
The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is economy class.
Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.
The co- pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem.
He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy class.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York."

02-14 Volunteers
t the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full.
The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats.
In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later.
About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer.
About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward..."
この航空会社の職場のモラル はどうなっているんでしょうね。

02-15 Outrank
once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male fligt attendant.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "The captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put up your trays, that would be great."
I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not.
A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her, "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big brute engines, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can pit-a-pat us on the ground.
She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray.
She then calmly turned to him and said, "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."
Our flight attendant replied, "Oh yeah? Well in my country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the fucking tray up!"
飛行機が着陸のために下降姿勢に入ると、この乗務員はくねくねと腰をひねりながら客席にやって来ると乗客に、「機長さんがネ、もうじきこの大きな怖〜い飛行機ちゃんが地面 に届くって言っているのヨ。だからさぁ、皆いい子だからさぁ、食事用のトレイを元の位 置に戻してくれない?そうすればアタシ、助かるわぁ」と言うのである。
しばらくして私達の席に戻ってきたホモの乗務員は、私の隣の女性に言った。「お姉様、きっとがさつなエンジンの音でアタシの言ったことが、聞こえなかったんでしょうけど、トレイを元の位 置に戻してくれない?そうすれば機長がヒラヒラ〜っと飛行機ちゃんを着陸させることが出来るのよネェ」
これを聞いたわれらがホモ乗務員はこう答えた。「あ〜ら、そうなの?でもアタシの国ではアタシは女王様と呼ばれているのよ。アタシの方がアンタより格が上でしょうが、このブスったれめ。さっさとトレイを元の位 置に戻したら!」

02-16 Black box
plane load of holidaymakers is flying across Europe to a holiday destination in Southern Italy.
Suddenly the Captain makes an announcement over the intercom, "I'm afraid to tell you ladies and gentlemen that we are having serious problems with both our engines and we are going to have to crash land into the sea. The weather conditions are good so we should be able to land safely, but I would ask you to now prepare yourselves for a crash landing and the cabin crew will be circulating to help you in any way they can."
A businessman sitting towards the front of the plane notices that the rather glamorous young lady sitting next to him then starts preening herself, combing her hair and applying liberal helpings of make-up.
He says to her "Excuse me miss but what are you doing that for when we are about to crash into the sea?"
She replies "well I've heard that when they come across a crash the rescue crew are usually all men and they rescue the good looking women first".
He then notices a middle-aged lady in front of him get her bag down from the overhead locker and get out loads of expensive looking jewelry and put it on.
He leans forward "excuse me Madame but why are you putting on all your jewelry when we are about to crash?"
She replies "well I've heard that when planes crash the rescue team look for the people that look like they have loads of money and take them out first".
The businessman then notices the big black woman next to him stand up lift her skirt, drop her knickers bend over and press her bum against the window.
"Excuse me what on earth do you think you are doing?" he says.
She replies "Well I've heard that the first thing the rescuers look for is a black box!"
ブラックボックスとは飛行機のフライトレコーダーで、事故原因究明の手がかりになるので、真っ先に捜すことはその通 りです。
ここで可笑しいのはblack box=黒人の女性器と解釈したこの黒人女性が、剥き出しの臀部を飛行機の窓に押しつけていることです。
「ホラ、見て、これがblack boxよ!」というつもりなのです。Boxは隠語でvaginaの意味です。

02-17 Plane Trouble
adies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
If you look out of the window on the port, or left, side of the aircraft you will see that the inner engine is on fire just below the fuel tanks in the wing.
If you look out at the starboard, or right, wing you will observe that a widening crack has developed at the wing root, making it unlikely that the wing will remain attached to the fuselage.
If you look down at the surface of the sea over which the aircraft is flying, you will notice a small orange dot.
This is a life-raft. In it are your co-pilot, your flight engineer and myself. This has been a recorded anno uncement."

02-18 I didn't know there was a choice
guy seated next to a Presbyterian minister on the plane.
The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical troubles.
Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.
When an attractive stewardess came with the wagon, this guy ordered a gin and tonic for himself.
She asked the Presbyterian minister whether he wanted anything.
He replied, "Oh, no thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol."
The guy next to him promptly handed back his gin and tonic to the stewardess, saying "Miss, I didn't know there was a choice. I would rather want adultery."
これを聞いた男は急いでジントニックをスチュワーデスに戻すと、こう言った。「失礼、どちらか選べるなん て知らなかったのでね。僕も出来たらあなたと不倫をする方を選びたいんだけど…」

02-19 Rebooking
crowded United flight was canceled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed.
He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "Fuck you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
男は真っ赤な顔になって、歯をわなわな振るわせながら、「この野郎(Fuck you)!」と女子事務員を罵った。
「お客様、申し訳ございませんが私と寝たい(Fuck you)とお望みでしたら、その場合でもやはりこちらのお客様の後からということになりますから、どうぞ列の後ろにお並び下さい」

02-20 What just happened here?
military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down.
The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy.
So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter.
They throw out a pistol.
"Throw out more!" shouts the pilot.
So they throw out a rifle.
"More!" he cries again.
They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport.
They get into a jeep and drive off.
Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying.
They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"
They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder.
Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"
They apologize and keep driving.
They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically.
They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?"
The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"