|13-1 Who would give me a license?
A policeman demanded, "Madam, you've gone through 2 red lights and driving the one-way from the wrong side. You're now parking your car in a no-parking area . May I see your driver's license?"
"Don't be silly, officer. Who do you think would give me a license?"
|13-2 Can I see your license?
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer：Sir, may I see your driver's license?
Driver ：I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer：May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver ：It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer：The car is stolen?
Driver ：That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer：There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver ：Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer：There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver ：Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.
Police quickly surrounded the car, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.
Captain：Sir, can I see your license?
Driver ：Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain：Whose car is this?
Driver ：It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.
Captain：Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver ：Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain：Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver ：No problem. Trunk is opened; no body present.
Captain：I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car,
had a gun in the glove box,and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver ：Yeah, I'll bet that lying son-of-a-bitch told you I was speeding, too.
|13-3 Speed Trap
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.
However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did 'I' get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch 'all' the fish?
|13-4 Stay put
One day in a quiet afternoon in a certain city, a man went to a party by car and had too much drunk.
On his way home driving his car, the police pulled him over for weaving and asked him to get out of the car and walk the line.
Just as he started, the police radio blared out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away.
The police told the party animal to stay put, they would be right back and they ran down the street to the robbery.
The guy waited and waited and finally decided to drive home.
When he got there, he told his wife he was going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he had the flu and had been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knocked on the door.
They asked if that guy was there and his wife said yes.
They asked to see him and she replied that he was in bed with the flu and had been so all day.
They asked to see his car, so she took them to the garage and opened the door where they found: the police car, lights still flashing.
|13-5 Exemplary driver
A police patrol car followed a small Toyota late one night.
The driver observed the correct speed and waited carefully at all traffic lights even though there were no other cars.
He always slowed down zebra crossings.
The police car pulled up alongside the Toyota at a red traffic light.
One of the officers in the car spoke to the Toyota driver.
"Excuse me, sir, we're not stopping you but your driving is so exemplary that we felt we should compliment you."
"Thank you, officer," said the driver.
"You have to drive very carefully when you've had as much whisky as I had tonight."
|13-6 Keep up with the Joneses
A man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.
Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?"
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?"
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!"
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?"
And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here see !?"
The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada.
He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada.
The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey, Remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"
"Check this out. I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT !?"
Keep up with the Jonesesは「隣人に遅れをとるな」という意味で、
|13-7 He always talks like this
A policeman flagged down a driver and said, "I arrest you for ignoring three red lights."
"Well, I'm color blind," replied the driver.
"You were also exceeding the speed limit," added the policeman.
"So what?" the driver sneered.
"On top of that, you were going the wrong way down a one-way street," the policeman patiently explained.
"I have a lousy sense of direction," the driver grinned.
At this point, his wife leaned forward from the back seat and said, "Don't pay attention to him, officer.
He always talks like this when he is drunk."
|13-8 Drying my nails
A woman driver had her right hand stuck out of the window and after following her car for ten blocks, the man in the car behind pulled up along side and shouted at her, "For God's sake, lady, if you're going to turn, TURN!"
She said, "Who's turning? I'm just drying my nails."
|13-9 Back seat driver
Have you heard about a driver who has never heard complaining from the back seat?
He's a hearse driver.
"Back seat driver"とは後部座席から、あれこれ運転を指図する人のことで、
|13-10 New car or new wife
Whenever you see a man open a car door for his wife, you can be sure that either the car or the wife is new.
"Back seat driver"とは後部座席から、あれこれ運転を指図する人のことで、