|16-1 Two torpedoes
A young woman with a flat chest had been longing for large breasts.
So one day when a fairy godmother granted her wish, she instantly requested large breasts.
"All right. From this moment on, every time a man says 'pardon,' to you, yo ur breasts grow."
The next day when she bumped into a man on the street, he politely said, "Pardon me."
Her breast grew an inch. She got excited.
Then while she was shopping at a supermarket, she ran into a delivery man and dropped her grocery bag.
"Oh, pardon me," the man said and helped her collect her purchases. Her breast grew another inch.
She became ecstatic and decided to treat herself a dinner at a fancy restaurant.
When she stepped into the restaurant, she collided with a Chinese waiter.
He bowed and bowed and said, "Oh, I beg you a thousand pardons."
The next day the headline of the local newspaper read; CHINESE WAITER WAS KILLED BY TWO TORPEDOES.
英語には、深くお詫び申し上げます(I beg you a thousand pardons)とか、
お礼の言葉もございません（Thanks for a million)などと
|16-2 Sign language
The bus driver was training a newly-employed young driver to take over his route.
At one stop an elderly woman was waiting and when the driver waved her, she waved back.
She held up her index finger at the driver and he shook his head and held up his index and middle fingers.
Then she pointed her thumb up and the driver shook his head vigorously and pointed his thumb down.
To the new driver's astonishment, the woman then started fondling her tits, to which the driver responded by scratching his balls.
And the woman gave him the finger and walked off.
"What the hell was that all about?" asked the new driver. "Was she crazy or something?"
"No, no," said the driver. "She's just deaf.
See , she asked me if this bus was #1 and I told her it was #2.
She asked if we were going uptown and I said no, downtown.
Then she wanted to know if we were going to the Dairy Queen and I said no, to the ballpark.
So she said, "Fuck you! I'l l walk."
|16-3 EYE KNEE THE RAKE
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower.
The man realizes that he can't find the rake.
He yells up to his wife, to look out the window and says, "Where is the rake?"
She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"
The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.
The wife is not sure and says, "What?"
The man repeats his gestures, ... points to his eye, then points to his knee ... and finally makes a raking motion.
"EYE KNEE THE RAKE" The wife understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye... Next she points to her left breast.... Then she points to her butt and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close to understanding that one.
Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her. "What in the frigid'hell was that?"
She replies , "EYE-LEFT TIT-BEHIND-THE BUSH"
LEFT TIT は LEFT IT(=THE RAKE)のことですが、
|16-4 Chastity belt (1)
Before going away on the Crusades, King Arthur made a chastity belt because the queen was so beautiful and he couldn't trust his men.
The blacksmith broug ht one and showed how it worked.
When he put a broomstick in the hole, it was instantly chopped off.
The king happily put it on his wife and headed off to the Holy wars.
When he returned, he lined up all his men to inspect their private parts. All except one were now eunuchs.
The king put his arms around this faithful knight and asked him, "What can I do for you for your loyalty, Lancelot?"
Lancelot answered, "Agha gha ha..."
|16-5 Chastity belt (2)
Sir Raffles Stamford was about to make a month-long trip to Java and he called up one of his most trusted lieutenants before he left.
"Frank, I'm entrusting you with the key to my wife's chastity belt because I know you're the only one I can trust. Guard it well."
As Raffles was just embarking on his voyage, Fran k came rushing to the harbor on a galloping horse and cried, "Wait, Sir Stamford , you gave me the wrong key!"
|16-6 Who got the promotion?
There were three women in a company.
The president realized it was time to promote one of them, but they were so competent that he was not sure which one to choose.
So he placed $500 on each of their desk.
#1 returned it to him next day.
#2 invested it in the stock market and returned $1000 to him next week.
#3 pocketed it.
Who got the promotion.
#3, because she had the biggest tits among the three.
|16-7 Athlete's cunt One night
Roger met Ruby in a bar and he accepted her invitation to her place.
In her room, Ruby confessed that she had an incredible foot fetish and Roger obligingly fucked her with his big toe.
A few days later he woke up with his toe swollen and throbbing.
He went to the doctor and he was told that he had syphilis of the foot.
Roger admitted he had never known such a condition existed. "Is it rare, Doc?"
"Fairly, but I've seen weirder," said the doctor.
"Just this morning a lady came in with athlete's cunt."
There was a group of archeologists who dug up a line of hieroglyphics that were, from left to right: a dog, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David.
After years of study they came up with an explanation.
They believed that this was a very wise group of people.
First, they knew man had to have company, hence the dog.
Next, they knew that they needed animals to help with work, so the donkey.
The shovel was there because of their advanced knowledge of tools.
Next, they knew that they had to eat, and that fish were the best source of food.
Finally, they were a religious group and knew man had to have religion.
After the explanation, a man jumped up and said, "You fools, Hebrew reads from right to left!
It says, 'holy mackerel, dig the ass on that bitch!'"
最後の'holy mackerel, dig the ass on that bitch!'が
その意味は『なんてこった(holy mackerel)、あの売女(that bitch)のケツ(ass)を掘ってやれ(dig)！』
What electric train sets and a woman's breast have in common?
They are intended for kids, but it's dads who play with them.
A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.
She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up her stairs.
"The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.
"No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."