|21-11 Make sure he's dead
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing.
His eyes are rolled back in his h ead.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the ope rator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line.
He says, "O.K., now what?"
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, father? "
The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady walks between them and nto a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
|21-13 You should have
There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey.
The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.
"Anywhere I go, she goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her."
So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his ragged coat off and sleeps on the floor.
The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.
"reat," replied Bozo. "How much do I have to pay?" he asks.
"One thousand dollars fGor the food."
"But I haven't touched the food."
"It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand doll ars for the TV."
"But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!"
"It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."
"But I slept on the floor!"
"It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."
"You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey."
"But sir, I didn't scre w your donkey."
"It was there. You should have!"
|21-14 No one is going to steal
A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day.
That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a big buck.
"Where is Harry?" asked another hunter.
"He fainted a couple miles up the trail," Harry's partner answered.
"You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?"
" A tough decision," said the hunter.
"But I figured no one is going to steal Harry."
|21-15 How do you know you are a
1. You've been divorced and re-married three times and you still have the same in-laws.
2. Remodeling your bathroom means digging a new hole in the backyard.
3. You can't marry your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch, and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The Redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping, too."
----- NEXT DAY -----
The Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.
The Mexican open his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps, too.
The Redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.
----- AT THE FUNERAL -----
The Irishman's wife is weeping She says, "If I had known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given to him again."
The Mex ican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas; I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the Redneck's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said.
"That dumb-ass makes his OWN lunch!"
|21-17 Immoral redneck
What's the difference between a moral redneck and an immoral redneck?
A moral redneck won't fuck his daughter before she turns thirteen.
|21-18 Arkansas story
A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism.
His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story.
Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research.
He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.
The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed.
"Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once..."
|21-19 Two assholes
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer were sent for.
Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Daryl said, "Yup , he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.
Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with the two assholes.'"
Bubba with two assholesは『ブーバは二つ肛門を持ってるぞ』ではなくて、
Why is incest like watching TV in a living room?
The whole family does it together.