＃36. Police & Army
|36-1 Policeman's brain
A policeman is often made fun of his stupidity.
Here in Berlin, an extraordinary bright boy was born at a hospital.
He was such a real genius that he was able to explain Einstein's theory of relativity while sucking his mother's milk.
The doctors at the hospital decided to reduce the boy's brain by 50% for transplanting it to other person.
But amazingly enough, this boy could solve the Pythagorean theorem without difficulty.
Then the doctors cut off the 50% of the rest brain.
Still this boy could solve any arithmetic questions.
Finally, they removed his whole brain.
When the operation was over, he opened his eyes and said, "Driver's license, please."
最後の "Driver's license, please."をことさら平坦な言い方で喋ると一層効果的です。
|36-2 Changi Prison
Burglar Ah Kow was a regular face at Changi Prison.
But when he was leaving, the warden called him up and apologized personally.
"I'm sorry, Ah Kow, we kept you a week longer than we should have.
"Oh, no problem," replied Ah Kow generously, "just take it off the next time."
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision
Canadians : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship I say again, divert YOUR course
Canadians : No I say again, you divert YOUR course
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET
WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS
I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH,
OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP
Canadians : This is a lighthouse.
|36-4 Aren't you Officer?
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"
"Yes, I am," said the officer.
"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"
|36-5 A Retirement Bonus
The Pentagon recently discovered it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.
They promised any general who retired straightway his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted.
He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.
Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.
He walked out with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."
The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received.
The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop pants.
The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.
"My God!" he said, "Where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "In Vietnam."
|36-6 Bank account
A burglar broke into a house and threatened the housewife with a sharp knife.
"Tell me, lady. Where is your money? I'll kill you if you don't tell me."
"Will you save my life if I tell you where the money is?" asked the housewife in a trembling voice.
"I won't kill you if you tell me."
"Will you pledge to keep your promise?" she insisted.
"Shit! I'll promise! Where is your money?" the irritated burglar yelled at her.
"All the money is in my bank account," she said.
|36-7 Serial killer
Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store.
The homicide detective is already there.
"What happened?" asks the first officer.
"Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."
"Good grief," says the second officer.
"Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes ye sterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"
"You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer.
|36-8 Off you go
A fellow bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW", he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What in the hell am I doing", he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car.
"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pullover. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go," said the cop.
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop", the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back. "
"Off you go", said the officer.
A Navy Admiral was being court-martialed for an incident where he was found to be chasing a young lady through the hallways of the hotel in which they were both staying.
Neither of them was wearing anything.
One of the charges was that of being out of uniform.
The Admiral's lawyer argued that the officer was not out of uniform, as the regulations read: Naval officer must be at all times appropriately attired for the activity in which he is engaged.
The Admiral was acquitted.
|36-10 You've just won the lottery
A criminal was about to be hung for murder when a telegram arrived.
The execut ioner opened the telegram and read it.
"Have they given a last minute pardon?" asked the criminal anxiously.
"No," chuckled the executioner, "but, boy, you' ve just won $1 million in the lottery."