＃36. Police & Army
|36-11 Orderly man
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.
"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the Army -- you'll catch on again fast," the general said.
Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it' s back to the village."
|36-12 Painful Execution
A prisoner on death row was feeling extremely anxious the morning of his execution on the electric chair, because he could not withstand pain.
One sympathetic guard tried to reassure him, telling him that electricity would take his life in a wink, and that he would not have time to suffer.
The executioner then came for another prisoner on death row and took him in shackles to the execution room.
After a short while, loud screams and horrible howls were filling up the whole jail.
"What is this, what is going on?" asked the anxious prisoner.
The guard went to check and came back.
"The jail had a power failure during the execution, so they are finishing the job with candles...."
|36-13 Customer is always wrong
Crankshaw finished his police training and he was sent to the department store where he used to work.
"Look who's here!" his former colleagues cried.
"Officer Crankshaw! How do you like your new job?" one of them asked.
"Well," Crankshaw said, "The salary is not as good as it was here and it is dangerous. But one thing I love is that the customer is always wrong in the police."
Customer is always right. お客様は神様です、がデパート店員の心得です。
|36-14 Dear Becky
A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girl friend back home.
It read as follows:
Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you. Love, Becky.
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snap shots they could spare of their girl friends, sisters, ex-girl friends, aunts, cousins etc. Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:
Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take Care, Ricky.
|36-15 Aces High
A young American volunteered for military service during World War II.
He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to the Pensecola boot camp.
The very first day at Pensecola he soloed and was the best flier on the base.
All they could do was to assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes.
Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.
As his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.
He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.
Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"
|36-16 Cop on Horseback
A cop on horseback is at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his bike .
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Tell Santa next year to put a taillight on that bike."
The kid says, "Nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The cop says, "Yeah."
The kid says, "Well, tell Santa next year to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
Dickには(1)penisオチンチン、(2) cop 警官(=policeman)という二通りの意味があります。
|36-17 May I park here?
"May I park here?" I asked a policeman.
"No!" replied the policeman.
"But officer, what about all those other cars?" I pouted.
"They didn't ask," replied the policeman.
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret " base.
They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.
The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again.
Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
During training exercises, a lieutenant, who was driving down a muddy back road, encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
|36-20 New hat has been ruined
The police officer didn't know how to tell the awful news to the woman.
When she answered the doorbell, he said, "Mrs. Daniel, I'm Officer Smith. And you know that new hat you bought your husband?"
"Yes?" she said.
"Well, it's been ruined."
The officer replied, "A safe from the 5th floor fell on it."