#45. Silly


45-11 Empty handed
ete and Larry had not seen each other in many years.
Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives.
Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment.
"I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."
"Great. Where do you live?"
"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the door bell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."
"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed ."

45-12 Talking clock
roudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends very, very late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom here there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yep," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied.
He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screa med: "You idiot! What the hell time do you think it is? It's fifteen past two in the morning!"
「見ててごらん」と酔っ払いはハンマーを持ち出して、ガーンと耳が潰れそうになる位 思い切りゴングを叩いて、サッと後ろに退いた。

45-13 Birthday
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
What year?(生まれ年は?)と聞かれているのに、

45-14 Magician
ne day in a quiet night in an ocean, a magician started his show to entertain passengers on a long ship voyage in the lounge in front of the audience.
He produced a pack of cards from nowhere.
One spectator shouted, "I know what you did! You pulled them from up your sleeve!" There was laughter and derision fro m the audience.
Then the magician hid a coin and made it reappeared.
The spect ator shouted again, "I know that! You hid that in your pants!" There was laugh ter and derision again.
The magician calmed himself down and started next trick, the ship hit a reef and sunk.
The magician lost his senses. When he came to his senses, he clung to a life boat. He got on board and found another man clinging to the boat.
He pulled him up and found him the spectator.
After a while, the spectator came to his senses, looked around in a puzzled face. "All rig ht," said the spectator, "I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"

45-15 Baldheaded
hich is better to a baldheaded or a moron?
A moron. It is less conspicuous than a baldheaded.

45-16 Shibahama
lthough he was a very skillful fishmonger, Kuma was a habitual drinker and of ten neglected his business.
One morning when Kuma had a terrible hangover and tried to goof off the job, his wife pestered him to go to the Shiba fish market to buy some fish for his retailing.
Reluctantly Kuma walked to Shiba and was hed his face on the seashore to wake him up.
He found a nice fat leather wallet there and immediately rushed home with it.
He counted out 50 ryo of gold coins out of the wallet and he got so overjoyed that he called over his friends to whoop it up.
Kuma fell asleep while the friends went on a spree.

 The next morning his wife woke him up. "Kuma-san, time to go to work!"
Kuma rubbed his eyes and said, "Hey, I got a thick wallet stuffed with 50 ryo on Shibahama (=Shiba beach) yesterday, right? We can live without working due to the bonanza!"
"What are you talking about? I don't know anything about a wallet. You must have been daydreaming."
It seemed that his eating and drinking with friends was true, but picking up the wallet was a dream.
Kuma was so shocked that he turned over a new leaf and gave up drinking completely.
He worked hard and paid back a debt three years later.

 On New Year's Eve of that year, his wife held out an old wallet and said, "Kuma-san, do you remember his wallet? It has 50 ryo in it. You found it on Shibahaba three years ago. I was at a loss what to do with the wallet, because you would never go to work with that much money. So I brought the wallet to the magistrate after you fell asleep and I made up the story that you had a dream. You gave up drinking and worked really hard. Now the money was returned from the magistrate because no one claimed it. I'm terribly sorry for having done so. If you're angry with me, please beat me - if you want."

 Kuma was deeply impressed by his wife's consideration and bowed.
"Far from beating you, all I can do now is just to thank you. If you had given me the wallet, I would have used up all the money and became a penniless good-for not hing!"
"Then, you'll forgive me? I know you are not what you were. Why don't you drink a cup of sake now? It's New Year's Eve!"
She served sake and dishes. Kuma felt very happy and look at his sake with nostalgia.
"Hey, sake, you look so good! Long time, no see. I'm going to drink you…. wait, on second thought s, I would rather not."
"Why not, Kuma-san?" his wife said with a quizzical look.
"Because I don't want to wake up to find out I've been dreaming again."




「殴るどころじゃねぇよ。お前に礼を言わねば罰があたるぜ。もしお前がこの財布をそのまま俺に渡していたら、この金をみんな使い果 たして、俺はまた一文無しのろくでなし野郎に戻ったままだったろうよ」


45-17 Ugliest baby
young woman was sitting on the bus cooing to her baby when a drunk staggered aboard and down the aisle.
Stopping in front of her, he looked down and said, "Lady, that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen."
The woman burst into tears, and there was such an outcry of sympathy among the other passengers that they kicked the drunk off.
But the woman kept on sobbing and wailing so loudly that the bus driver finally pulled the bus over to the side of the road.
"Look, I don't know what that bum said to you, but to help calm your down, I'm going to get you a cup of tea," the driver said to his inconsolable passenger.
And off he went, coming back shortly with a cup of tea from a corner deli.
"Now calm down, lady," soothed the driver.
"Everything is going to be okay. See, I brought you a cup of nice tea and I even got a banana for you pet monkey."

若い女性がバスの中で座って赤ちゃんをあやしていたら、一人の酔っ払いがよろめきながら乗り込んできて、バスの通 路を通って彼女の前で立ち止まり、見下ろしながら言った。「このガキは、俺が今まで見た中で一番不細工な赤ん坊だな」


45-18 The same place where we landed last year
wo hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting.
They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks.
The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk.
But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind."
They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard.
The plane was the same model and capacity.
Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard.
But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they cras hed into the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other hunter.
"I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!"

ハンターは「去年も大鹿6匹射止めたが、去年の操縦士は全部乗せてくれたぞ。この飛行機と全く同タイプで収納出来る広さも同じなのに、なぜ今年は駄 目なんだ?」と文句をつけた。

このハンター達は懲りもせず今年も全く同じこ とを繰り返したのですね。

45-19 Accurate dating
tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple.
The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details.
To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great trea sures.
The tourist then queries how old the temple is.
"This temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide.
Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.
"Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago"

ガイドは「この建物は考古学者が現在発掘調査中で、続々と秘宝が出ているところです」と説明を始めたので、旅行者は「で、この寺院が建てられたのはどの位 昔のことなんだ?」とガイドに聞いた。
「簡単です。考古学者達 はこの寺は築1500年だと言いました。それが3年前の話ですからね」とガイドは答えた。

45-20 Your mother said
young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother!'? It would make me feel much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.